The Spotless Mind

Sometimes I want to delete you. Erase you from my memory for good.
Sometimes I yearn for a spotless mind, one without the painful memories, one without the overwhelming anxiety.

I miss the naive, young girl I once was, the one that believed in love unquestionably, with no crippling suspicion, and only whole hearted trust. I miss the innocence you took from me, that you've stolen unapologetically in the dead of the night that night. I ache to remember the time when I didn't anticipate secrets and lies, and the betrayal they harbor. But you've made me forget what that felt like. You've made me forget who that young girl was. I've become hollow, a pathetic shell of who I once was. I've morphed into a bitter, cold, untrusting monster, caged by the damages - imperfections, and the broken pieces you left behind - insecurities. And I hate what I've become.

She hides, cleverly camouflaged, disguising herself in the faces of strangers. She lingers, uninvited, she haunts me at the darkest hours of the night when I cannot sleep, and invades my sanity. The reflection in the mirror unveils that she hasn't left as she pulls the trigger. The bullet sinks in slowly. Suspicion is the only exit wound. And I'm tired of feeling defeated.

There is nothing left, I am numb inside, and I am barely breathing tonight. But I want to feel whole again. I want to shed my shell, rid myself of the monstrous catastrophe that I've become. I don't want to hide anymore. I want the walls of my shelter to crumble and be engulfed, I need to suffocate on the disaster that surrounds me so I can be reborn. Slowly, I will rebuild. I will collect the broken pieces scattered on the ground and carefully shape them into that somebody who I used to know. I will emerge, not as the tattered young, naive girl, but as a beautifully scarred woman, worn by her imperfections, but gradually restoring her strength.

And she will be loved again.

What Happens When You Cheat: Of Aftermath and Ruins

There's a saying, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I don't know how many times I might have said that to myself after I found out that night. There is something to be said about intuition, and something inside of me just knew. I remember that night vividly, unsure of the gut-wrenching feeling in my stomach, where it came from so suddenly and unexpected yet strangely asserting my urge to fuel my curiosity. And when I did, after my searching confirmed my suspicions and the floor collapsed underneath me, fists trembling, the wind knocked out of me, my emotions spiraling out of control - I lost it. I was enraged that somebody would, could do this to me, take my trust and stomp on it like a dead carcass, and it broke me to know that you, of all people, did that to me. I woke you out of a dead sleep, not caring. Why should I have cared? You clearly hadn't. How long had this been going on? How long had you been lying? How long had I been a fool? Who the fuck do you think you are that you can do that to me? And why the hell would you do that to me? And oh, you're sorry, but now you're going to flip this around on me for searching. And now it's my fault, and I'm the one who did something wrong. Oh you were clever, yes, you were, making me insecure about myself, making me feel like it was my fault all along, and I had but no choice to stay with you, because who else would want somebody like me? Yes, you fooled me. And you didn't just stop at once. You continued your charades, and the other girl, your psychotic ex, knew about me the entire time, and you were both okay with it. I look back now and wonder what kind of person you have to be to be alright with ruining somebody like the two of you did. What promises did you make each other? What lies did you tell yourselves? The same lies I told myself - that he's not replying because he's sleeping, that you promised you would never hurt me again, that you were being honest, that it was just my imagination, my insecurities driving my suspicion. Yes, I told myself lies because those lies subdued my reality - that one day, I would eventually discover that you were still cheating on me, still ripping my heart to shreds, and fooling me twice.

Eventually that cheating is what ruined us. I could never trust you, no matter how many times I told myself I could, that I could forgive you, forget what happened; it just never happened. Your cheating haunted the every corner of our relationship. It didn't matter how many claims you made, promised me that you were a changed man, it was me and only me - my doubt was always there, permanent, unmoving like cement. There would never be trust. 

And ironically, you're the one who broke off the relationship. Claimed it wasn't healthy for you, that you were unhappy, that you no longer loved me anymore. Irony can be such a bitch sometimes, and in our relationship, I'm the one who got bitch slapped, and hard. It doesn't stop there either, because after you've been cheated on, you're ruined for the next person. Damaged goods, you could say, because how can you ever open back up to somebody knowing the last time you did you basically got shit on? How can you trust somebody when the last time you let yourself trust somebody you loved and cared about took your heart and Riverdanced the fuck out of it? How do you explain to that person that you have trust issues and open up to them about your past without being a poster board for damaged goods galore?

That is what I hate most. That while I might seem fine on the outside, I am still in ruins.