The Spotless Mind

Sometimes I want to delete you. Erase you from my memory for good.
Sometimes I yearn for a spotless mind, one without the painful memories, one without the overwhelming anxiety.

I miss the naive, young girl I once was, the one that believed in love unquestionably, with no crippling suspicion, and only whole hearted trust. I miss the innocence you took from me, that you've stolen unapologetically in the dead of the night that night. I ache to remember the time when I didn't anticipate secrets and lies, and the betrayal they harbor. But you've made me forget what that felt like. You've made me forget who that young girl was. I've become hollow, a pathetic shell of who I once was. I've morphed into a bitter, cold, untrusting monster, caged by the damages - imperfections, and the broken pieces you left behind - insecurities. And I hate what I've become.

She hides, cleverly camouflaged, disguising herself in the faces of strangers. She lingers, uninvited, she haunts me at the darkest hours of the night when I cannot sleep, and invades my sanity. The reflection in the mirror unveils that she hasn't left as she pulls the trigger. The bullet sinks in slowly. Suspicion is the only exit wound. And I'm tired of feeling defeated.

There is nothing left, I am numb inside, and I am barely breathing tonight. But I want to feel whole again. I want to shed my shell, rid myself of the monstrous catastrophe that I've become. I don't want to hide anymore. I want the walls of my shelter to crumble and be engulfed, I need to suffocate on the disaster that surrounds me so I can be reborn. Slowly, I will rebuild. I will collect the broken pieces scattered on the ground and carefully shape them into that somebody who I used to know. I will emerge, not as the tattered young, naive girl, but as a beautifully scarred woman, worn by her imperfections, but gradually restoring her strength.

And she will be loved again.