They say a sad soul is always up past midnight.
I used to not believe that, going more along the lines of nothing good (meaning you're having a good time) happens after midnight. But about a month ago I started to not believe that.
When I met you I had some empty spaces in my heart. And those empty spaces made me feel like there was something wrong with me, like I was defective. But then I met you and we had this intense attraction that created this strange sort of pull, and suddenly, I didn't feel so empty anymore.
I think I find myself falling for people with too much - too much emotion, too much trust, too much love, too much feeling. I fall for the way you sound at 4 am, deep asleep. I fall for the way you look when you smile across the room at me. And it's so addicting the way your eyes light up when you ask me what I'm thinking.
I think I grow attracted to people who I know will leave. I do this too often and I cling to false hope. I can't help it though because in those people, I see all that they are, even when they don't seem to see it themselves. I guess that's why I wonder how they can let their hearts grow so cold, and push me away, discarded so easily. But maybe it's because just like mine, their heart has been cast aside, left broken, shattered into pieces in the cold, wet rain. Maybe we both know the feeling too well, and are afraid to feel that again, so that's why we become so cold so quickly. Most days I struggle when there's nothing left to say, even though my heart beacons me to let it all out. I still don't know how to convince you that out of everyone, out of all those that have left you, I'm always the one that will still be standing there with an umbrella, big enough to shelter your heart.
If I could have picked anybody, I would have picked you. But now, you're quickly becoming part of my past, just another bundle of memories stored away, fading as each day goes by. I'm forcing myself to try to move on, but it isn't easy when you don't exactly want to, and the constant battle back and forth is a struggle. Eventually, one day, I will move on and that is the day I will feel sorry for you. I will feel sorry for you because you should have opened your eyes - if you would have opened your eyes you would have seen, even from far away, that we were drunk off each other. Drunk off the way we laughed, drunk off the way we snuck glances at each other even though both of us knew the other was looking, drunk off the way we fit like two puzzle pieces; we were drunk off the connection we held, a nervousness hidden behind subtle excitement that we were together. We found each other utterly intoxicating, and neither of us could deny that.
Some days my heart still sinks to my shoes because I realize how much I still want you. No matter what has happened in the past, no matter what you've done, you still move me more than anyone I've ever met. Other people seem lifeless next to you. You are the one who brought me back to life. But it's hard to wait for something you know might never happen, and it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want. What hurts are the memories. I don't like the memories because regardless if they're good or bad, the tears come too easily. It's a constant battle, the war between remembering and forgetting. Sometimes I think it is so much safer not to feel. But no matter what, some time in your life, someone will hurt you. They will take all you are and rip it into tattered pieces and not even bother to watch where the pieces land. You've managed to do that, somehow you've managed to destroy me. You've managed to break my heart by simply walking away because you're so afraid you aren't ready for the amazing thing we were slowly becoming. And it really is a terrible thing I think, to wait until you're ready. I feel like nobody is actually ever completely ready to do anything. I don't know if there is such a thing as ready. There is only now. And instead of allowing your fears to make you run and hide, staying and doing it now would have been just as good a time as any. Sometimes what you're afraid of most is the one thing that can set you free. I wish you would realize that.
I can only hope that one day you will wake up and realize you shouldn't have let me go. The truth is, no matter how far I've come, some days I feel like I've taken one step forward and two steps back. Some days are easier than others, just like some days I can confidently say I've moved on, while other days it only feels like a lie. Funny how no matter what you do, there is always a piece of that person lodged inside of you, and all it takes is that one song, that one place, that one phrase that reminds you of that person and all that you had with them. Deep down I think we both know it was never supposed to end like this. But with every day that goes by, it's becoming easier to accept the way it ended, and you're becoming nothing more than a faded memory.
