Wake Up Call

I took a cold, hard look at myself in the mirror the other day and almost didn't recognize who the person staring back at me was. I was a stranger to myself. I didn't know who the woman in the mirror was. I do that sometimes though, stray off. I'm good at wearing multiple disguises, I'm good at being different, molding into something completely opposite, sometimes into something I'm not, but because I'm so adaptable you'd never know the difference - and I blame it on the gemini in me. 

What's important is I finally realized this. Lately I haven't been myself, I've been this random stranger and I just haven't been me. Somehow in these last few months I'd managed to forget who I was, and I lost myself. Maybe it's because I had fallen into a different lifestyle than I was used to - this wild, carefree, intense world had drawn me in, seduced by its lustful temptations, and I dove head first, all in. But when the dust cleared, and reality set in, I was reminded how immature and lonely that kind of lifestyle can be, and no matter how many times I tried to fill in the emptiness, I would still feel empty because I wasn't truly fulfilling my own needs. I tend to put others first before myself, and these last few months that's exactly what I had fallen into, and it isn't surprising that I've found myself hurt and feeling broken again.

So this is my wake up call. This is me giving myself that motivational pep talk, the one where it finally registers, and I get back on track. I might not know where I'm going, or where I'm headed, or what might become of the future, but what I do know is from here on out, I'm putting me first. That doesn't mean I'm not still going to question what happened, why it didn't work, or I'm not going to have tougher days where I'm reminded of you and it hurts when it pulls on my heart strings, no. What it means is I'm going to rise up, brush off the pity party, and with my head held high, I'm going to continue to move on. I'm not saying I'm going to leave you behind in the dust, but I will feel sorry for you. I am on my way to bigger, better, amazing things, and even though you chose to not be apart of those things with me, I'll always remember what we had, because that's who I am. I'm the one who feels too much, loves too much, but that's okay, because I would rather experience all the emotions from the happiness of love to the pain from feeling broken than to say I didn't feel at all, or that I didn't try. We could have experienced so much, but you didn't want to, and that's okay because I'm still going to.

So bring it on world. Let's do this.