Take a Step Around the Room: An Open Letter of Defeat and Realization

Yesterday was a bad day for me. Those days still happen. They're not as frequent as they used to be. But they still happen.

Yesterday, I felt defeated. I had a moment of weakness. I have those you know, now and then. I know I shouldn't. But I do. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. I've been told countless times that even though I am allowed to have moments of defeat, moments of weakness, I shouldn't let it eat me up. But I do. All it does is hurt me though, I only continue to hurt myself. Silly me, thinking there might still be a shred of you left in the cold-hearted stranger you've become. I continue to try and see the good in you, but only end up hurt myself.

Silence is often a kick to in the teeth. That's exactly what it was. But, silence is also a step too. A step closer to, as a friend of mine said, to the "fuck it, fuck this, fuck that, and fuck you" stage. And that's exactly what it was as well. The next step.

I've been standing at that door for quite some time now. I'm not sure why I have't walked through yet. I've been knocking, but I haven't been able to open the door. Maybe because throughout everything, I want to believe that the person today still has some good in him left. I want to believe that the person I once loved, and quite honestly, still love today, even though you've given me every reason not to, still might exist somewhere beneath the cold-hearted stranger you are today. But I'm not sure that person is there anymore. Every day that goes by continues to prove to me that that person no longer exists. Maybe he never did. Maybe I was just a fool to believe that person I thought you were was the real you. They say your true colors show after it's all said and done. Maybe this was the real you all along, and I was just too blind to see it. Silly me.


Yesterday was a bad day. But today, today was a good day. Those days happen, and they happen more frequently now. Days like today, remind me that eventually, everything will be just fine. Silly me for ever thinking otherwise.

Smoke Filled Room: An Open Letter of Heart Break, and Becoming Yourself

I never thought I'd be writing in this about you. At least not in this manner.

It's been just over a month now. Almost a month and a half to be exact. That Tuesday night after the Tiger's game was when you told me you weren't sure if you wanted to be with me anymore. That you were going to go to your house that night, and I might want to consider cancelling Mackinac that weekend. That night, you went home, and while you told me you weren't sure what you wanted, I knew at that moment that it was going to be the end to you and me.

The next day went by painfully agonizing. I hadn't talked to you all night. Normally, I would send you a text to let you know I got home safe, as would you - but neither of us did that. We were supposed to talk later that day, and you weren't sure if you were going to be working late or not. I suggested going to your house and waiting for you, which you profusely refused numerous times. I couldn't object, since the night before out of anger and confusion I gave you your key back.

So I waited. I waited until you were finished, and that's when one of the longest walks of my life occurred. You suggested walking around downtown, something we had done a couple times before, however, none of them ever ended as this last one did. Thinking about that walk brings tears to my eyes, because it rushes all of those tragic emotions back that I felt that evening. Nothing had changed you told me. You still felt the same way. You still didn't want to be with me anymore.

I remember sitting down on the bench, in front of work, thinking to myself, 'is this what our relationship has come to? How did we get here? How did we go from talking about a future together, to this?' There are some days when I still ask myself that question, but unlike that day it doesn't burn as large of a hole as it used to. It still hurts, but the pain is more of a dull pain instead of a sharp, stabbing pain.

I begged you to stay with me before you left. I have never begged somebody to stay in my life. But I wanted you to stay so bad, that I begged. We sat in my car, and in between sobs and tears, I tried to take your hand, but you yelled at me and drew away. You said there was no easy way to do this, that you never meant to break my heart, but you didn't want to be with me anymore. I can still feel the sting to your words today. I still feel how much that broke me that day. Later that night when I got my belongings from your house, you went on further to tell me that you didn't love me the way I loved you, and that you no longer saw the same future I did. You no longer saw a long term with me. Those words broke me even more, into smaller shards of glass. I couldn't understand how we had gone from talking about eventually moving in together, what size house was too big, if any, for us, you telling me how great of a wife I would be one day and just how "Kaylan Bittner" sounded, to where we were that night in your kitchen - you stood in front of me emotionless as I continued to break into pieces, and all you could say to me was you were sorry. Things got too hard for you, and you walked away. You gave up that night, and left me a horrible, broken mess.

The next few days were the worst. That night, I went home, and cried myself to sleep. I called into work. To be honest, I don't think I moved from my bed much over the four days that followed. I've been broken up with before, but none to this caliber. I had never actually been broken like you managed to do. That takes a lot for me to admit because I am a strong woman. I don't normally admit to the fact that I allowed somebody to break me. But the truth is, you blindsided me with the break up. For you to tell me that you'd been thinking about it for a couple months, that you had been unhappy - I was blindsided. You never spoke a word to me, never seriously, about your unhappiness. You never could communicate with me, and that's one of the reasons we would argue. I always tried to get you to tell me how you were feeling, but for you, you were more concerned with if we were okay in the moment, and never dug deeper to actually resolve our issues. You can only do so much when your other half won't talk to you when you need them to.

The reasons you gave me, the reasons you no longer saw a future for us, I understand completely. I will be the first person to admit that I am not perfect - in fact, I am far from it. I have plenty of cracks from my past relationships and my past in general that have made me put guards up and overthink many situations. But when you came into my life, somehow you were able to make me put down those guards, and I let you in. However, no relationship is perfect, and as you and I both know from the beginning, mistakes were made. You said one of the reasons you didn't see a future with me was because I was insecure in trusting you - and yes, you were right. Many of our arguments stemmed from the mistake you made in the very beginning of our relationship. I know you think that because we weren't "official" yet, it was okay for you to be sending that picture of your "almost ex" to her because she asked. But it never was okay, and it never will be okay, for you to behave like that. That is so childish and immature it's beyond ridiculous. Place yourself in the shoes of the other person, the person who you've been dating for a couple months. That behavior is never going to be okay. You knew it too. I know you claim you didn't know at the time where you and I would go,that you didn't realize how much I meant to you at that time, and that you had a hard time letting go of the "almost relationship" you had had with her - but it still does not excuse the wrong you made. You knew one of the biggest things for me was trust, because I had opened up to you about my own ex, who had cheated on me multiple times. You knew how much trust meant to me, yet you still did what you did. Maybe I was silly to think that I could ever move past that, when you continued to lie to me about the smallest things throughout the course of our relationship. But, I always see the good in people, and no matter how many mistakes you continued to make I still believed in you. I believed you could change for the better. I saw the good person you were and I forgave you for all of the wrongs. Ironically. when it came down to the end, you couldn't see the good in me, and unlike me, you didn't believe in me, or us, and you walked away.

I am not saying that I never did anything wrong while we were together. I made mistakes too. Could I have showed you that even though I was insecure of trust, I actually did trust you? Yes, I should have. But instead, I allowed my fear to overwhelm me. I should have showed you that I trusted you, and I am sorry I didn't show you that. That is a lesson I have learned throughout all of this. I need to put my past behind me, and show that I trust the other person. Could I have controlled my anger? Yes, I could have. I will be the first to admit that I often jump to conclusions, and I shouldn't do that. I will also admit that when I am upset, I am lethal with my words, and I often say things I don't mean. That is not okay, and I know that. But when you're in the heat of the moment, and you are upset, those things happen. It never helped that you lacked in communicating with me, and would often omit tiny details. I never understood why you did that. You would hide things from me, silly things, because you knew I wouldn't like them. But in doing so, by hiding those things, you made it worse, because not only did you hide them, but you lied. People are often not going to like every decision that you make, but it is so much better to tell the truth and to be honest with them, than hide and lie about it. I hope you learn that much from being with me. I hope you learn that you cannot always make everybody happy, and sit on the fence about a decision. In the real world, you can't make everybody happy. That's just how it is.

We both made mistakes while we were together. No relationship is perfect. I'm not sure you realize that though, I feel like you think that people don't argue, that people don't fight, have disagreements, but every relationship does. Toward the end, we argued a lot. It always came back to what happened in the beginning. Often, it would start as something else, but the underlying truth was it came down to trust. In retrospect, I wish we would have sat down and had a real conversation about trust. I know we talked about it, but I don't think either one of us took it seriously enough. I know I sure as hell tried to, and at times I think you tried to communicate with me, but it was more often I was talking to a brick wall than the real you. I told you this the day you broke up with me, and in the letters I wrote you - that if I could take anything back, it would be that I didn't show you that I trusted you, because I did. I'm sorry I didn't show you that because I should have. I shouldn't have let my fear consume me. And just like you, by sending that picture, by lying about the strip club, and every lie concerning the wedding and her, I shouldn't have called my ex that day we went golfing and decided drinking a fifth of Ciroc Red Berry between the two of us was a good idea. I shouldn't have been allowed to go downtown that night because I was a drunken mess at Bookie's, I shouldn't have gotten mad at you later that night at my house. That night is a complete blur, but I know that I shouldn't have done what I did. Like I said, I am not perfect, and I admit to my wrongs. That night was an outlier moment of mine, but looking back, I think that was a lot of anger and confusion built up, and I just exploded. I'm sorry for that because that is not me, and I know you know that.

I want you to know that you are not a bad person. Even though you ended it in a poor manner, and you are still treating me like a piece of garbage, you need to know that you are a good person. The guy I fell in love with was everything I wanted. One of my friends told me that I talked about you like you were a god, and quite honestly, I did. I poured my heart into our relationship, into loving you, and even with my mistakes I still gave my all to you. I loved you with everything I had, and I cared about you with everything I had. Maybe that's why when you hurt me in the beginning, and when you continued to hide things from me, I reacted as I did. I often said some harsh things to you that I probably shouldn't have, but when you love somebody that intensely, you hurt just as intensely.

I want you to know that I do not have any regrets from being with you. You taught me that I could love, and be loved again, and for that, I thank you. I was tattered and torn from past relationships when I met you, and you showed me that even with all my broken pieces and scars that I could be loved. The only thing I regret is that you didn't allow us to grow into what we could have been. I know when you broke up with me, you only saw the bad things. I said this before and I'll say it again, the good that we had together outweighed the bad. From everything we have in common, to all of our great memories together, the good we had was far better than the bad, especially since the issues we had could have been fixed had you not thrown in the towel.

I've had many people tell me their opinion on the break up. Some say it was the timing, that we both wanted a relationship, but weren't ready. That had we met after the wedding, or I never found out what you had done, or you never did it in the first place, things would have been different. Some think you might realize the mistake you made eventually. Some say you never loved me to begin with. The bottom line is I may never know why you broke up with me, but at the end of the day I need to move on. I need to see this as a learning experience, and know that I deserve to be given the best. I'm not saying you didn't do that because you have been the best boyfriend I'd ever had. But that guy, that was the guy I fell in love with. He's not the person you are today. I'm not sure I even know who you are today, because the person you are today is cold. The person you are today is heartless. The person you are today treats me like I am garbage. The person you are today treats me like I am nothing. The person I fell in love with would never do what the person you are today is doing to me. I think that's what hurts the most - knowing everything we were, and what we could have become, to being absolutely nothing today. I have never deleted somebody that I have loved and cared so much about from my life, but with you, in order for me to become myself again, I need to. That makes me sad because the way you're treating me not only means you are losing an amazing woman as a lover, but also an amazing woman as a best friend, and I never wanted that for us. I never wanted us to end like we have. But that speaks to how much you've hurt me by your actions. I wish you the best, honestly, and I hope you learn from the relationship we had, but most of all, I hope you grow up because you have a lot of learning to do. I used to feel sorry for myself, but I no longer feel that way. I feel sorry for you, because you gave up on an amazing woman. You gave up on a woman that would have given everything for you. You gave up on a woman that loved you with everything she had. You gave up on a woman that put you before herself. You gave up on a woman that would always be there for you, no matter the circumstance. You really let go of a once in a lifetime woman. For that, I feel sorry for you.

There is somebody out there that knows my worth, and that I deserve the best. I wanted that to be you. I really did. I wanted us to create that future we used to talk about every so often. But you didn't, and as much as it pains me to say it, one day, somebody else will.

30-Day Writing Challenge (Days 6-8)

6. Someone who fascinates you and why

My Grandma - her strength.

My Uncle John - his beliefs in loyalty and family

7. What tattoos you have and if they have meaning

I currently have five tattoos, and I would like more. I got my first tattoo when I was eighteen - it was actually my eighteenth birthday present from my parents; they helped pay half for my tattoo. My first tattoo is a Beatles lyric, "All You Need Is Love" except the "Love" is a heart. It's on my left hip bone. I've always liked the song and agreed with the lyric. This tattoo is probably the only one that doesn't have any type of significant meaning to it.

My second tattoo is my last name in Hiragana (Japanese) on my left shoulder. I choose to use Hiragana instead of Kanji because I felt that if I got Kanji people would just presume that it said something like "Love" or "Luck" or something like that but if I did Hiragana, something not highly recognized, they might think it meant something more. My sister also has this tattoo but down the middle of her back. I think of these tattoos as "sister tattoos."

My third tattoo is the tattoo that has the most meaning for me. Before my Uncle John passed away, he wrote many of us letters saying goodbye. Growing up, he used to tell me, "When the going get tough, the tough get going" and I lived by that motto. In his letter, he wrote to me, "When the going get tough, so do we. Don't even compromise your values and principles of life." The tattoo I got is in his handwriting on my left side. It's a constant reminder to keep going and not give up, no matter how difficult life might get and never, ever to compromise my values and principles of life. I miss him tremendously and it serves as a memento.

My fourth tattoo is on my left thigh. One of my favorite authors is F. Scott Fitzgerald. In "This Side of Paradise" there is a quote, "They slipped briskly into an intimacy from which they never recovered." This has meaning to me because I think you could read into the quote two ways: that you've fallen so much in love with somebody that you're in pure bliss or that you've fallen in love so much that you're wounded and cannot recover. 

My fifth tattoo is on my right side, underneath my chest. It's something I wrote myself, "Unrehearsed you're only a silhouette." To me, this means if you don't work for something, you're nothing.

8. A book you love and a book you didn't

I honestly think most of the book that I have read I've liked!

30-Day Writing Challenge (Days 1 through 5)

Since we're already into the fifth of November, I'll make sure to write about five in this post. I'm hoping by doing this it sparks the creativity in  me again, since it's been a hot second since I've actually really sat down and wrote. 

1) Five Problems with Social Media

Being a social media Queen, coming up with five problems that I whole-heartedly believe might be slightly difficult for me. However, I do understand that there are some major problems with social media, especially with the youth of today. (1) Social media removes the sense of immediate consequence. Many of us turn to social media to rant and rave about things we wouldn't do in real life because it is easy without having to be face to face with an actual person. People tend to say things on social media that they wouldn't dare say had it been in person with somebody. I think this is a huge problem because we don't think before we speak, and while there might not be the immediate human consequence, there is still the social media internet backlash that can happen - and that's instant. (2) I'm pretty sure you can get addicted to social media - how, I'm not really sure because it wouldn't happen to me, but like any addiction, it's no bueno. (3) People forget who their audience is. Enough said. (4) What you post online stays online, forever. (5) Online bullying. Again, enough said.

2) My Earliest Memory

I think the earliest memory I have would be anything with my Grandma Pearl. I have a lot of memories with her, she was one of my rocks, and she was a strong woman who helped mold me into the young woman I am today. I remember as a little kid she used to sing "Moshi Moshi Kame Yo" to me, which is a Japanese children's song. She would also read me Japanese Children's Stories, and I remember we always used to read "Peach Boy." I loved reading with her. We attempted to teach me how to write Japanese as well, but I don't think that went over that well. My Grandma Pearl also used to cut me peaches, when I was little I used to bring her peaches and she would slice them for me. I also remember bringing her eggplant, and she would fry it for me because it was my favorite. 

I really miss my Grandma Pearl. She began taking care of me when she was seventy years old - and I was maybe two at the time? Talk about a hell of a woman. She stepped in (as well as my Aunts and Uncles) and helped take care of me when my dad was going through tough times. We had moved in with her and when he was in rehab, they all became Mom and Dad figures for me. I wouldn't be the person I am today without them and I am so thankful to have every one of them in my life. 

Sometimes I still hear my Grandma Pearl singing "Moshi Moshi Kame Yo" to me, and it brings a smile to my face. RIP Grandma Pearl.

3) My First Love and First Kiss

My first love was my high school boyfriend, Nick. We were in a relationship pretty much all of high school, with a few breaks here and there. When we were together, we thought we'd get married. Looking back, we were nothing more than naive children. We were probably the worst two people to be in a relationship together because we constantly fought with each other. I would say half of the time we were unhappy, and that's no way to be. I do think we did love each other though, as innocent and naive as it might have been.

My first kiss was when I was in elementary school. It was on the Beaumont Elementary playground during recess. It was a guy that I had a big crush on that eventually became my square dance partner for a concert the fifth graders held.

4) Ten Interesting Facts About Myself

(1) I'm allergic to alcohol. I don't have the enzyme that metabolizes alcohol - ALDH2 which leads to a build up of acetaldehyde. It's known as the "Asian Flush" because many people of asian decent have it. My Dad and Uncle Bo (twins) have it, my oldest cousin Andrea does as well. I flush all over my body and turn red in splotches. Sometimes my heart rate quickens. Other times I get a headache. Some of you might be wondering why I drink still... and my simple answer is because I can.

(2) I work in IT but my Undergraduate Degree is in English - Specialization in Writing and Business Administration. 

(3) I used to have a LiveJournal and I wrote in it almost every day though out high school and freshman year of college. I don't write nearly as much anymore, and I wish I did. I used to want to be a novelist and I started my college career off with a creative writing major at The University of Arizona. Writing has always been my outlet. I jokingly tell people that if I didn't write, I probably wouldn't be around and sometimes when I look back at everything I've been through, it's more truth than joke. 

(4) I've been told before that I am like an onion - just when you think you know me, there's another layer to peel off. I'd say it's true.

(5) I have a five year plan to be a director. I'm extremely ambitious and serious about furthering myself in my career.

(6) I'm not afraid to tell people how it is. I'm blunt, straight to the point, and sarcastic as a mother fucker. 

(7) I have an irrational rational fear of werewolves. This is thanks to the tv show Goosebumps back in the day. I blame the episode, "Werewolf Skins."

(8) Apparently I'm regressing in age the older I get.

(9) Sometimes I feel like I'm broken and I won't ever know what it feels like to love somebody again. I don't know if I'm afraid by that feeling, because I'm okay with being alone. I've always been pretty independent and I'm not one that needs a man in her life, I can get by completely fine without one, but there are times when it'd be nice to have somebody you knew that cared about you. I think over time I might get close to finding somebody, but I don't let them in easily, or if I do, I eventually run away or fuck it up somehow because of what I've been though with my ex. I guess I feel like damaged goods sometimes when it comes to love and letting somebody in... I'm afraid they'll eventually end up breaking me even more. I've picked up my pieces before, and it wasn't easy - it's not something I want to do again.

(10) I store a lot of random knowledge and lyrics in my head. If I replaced that with useful things, I'd probably be a lot smarter.

5) A Place I Would Live But Have Never Visited

Ireland. Irish accents, yes please.

Until We Meet Again DeMarco

I thought to text you the other day, just to see how you've been and maybe catch up a bit. You'd liked something on my Facebook and it reminded me how close we had once been and how much I missed you - you and that big, goofy smile of yours and that contagious laugh that always had me giggling along with you.

I meant to reach out to you the other day,  but I didn't. That happens often though I find, where I think to reach out to old friends, or even current friends, but never do. I blame life - we are all busy, and things come up, and prevent you from actually getting in touch like you intend to.

Shame on me... because now you're gone.

I know we haven't talked in quite awhile, but I can't stop wondering if maybe I had texted you like I thought to, maybe, just maybe it would have changed your mind. Maybe the terrible pain you must have been feeling that day would have subsided some, if only I had texted you hello. I know that is a heavy thought to hold, but I can't stop myself from wondering... maybe, and if only.


It's funny how precious life is. Most of us think we are invincible, that death alludes us until it is too late. Some of us opt to take our time long before we are meant to leave. I can't imagine the pain you must have been feeling that day. I keep thinking of how you were found, in the backyard, and I keep replaying scenarios through my head, and it brings tears to my eyes to think that you were all alone. I wish you knew that you in fact weren't alone, that you had such a vast support system, such a large group of friends and family that would have been there for you in a heartbeat. But I can only speculate the darkness that you must have been feeling that day to drive you to the backyard. I am not one to judge. I only wish you knew I was there for you. I wish I could have told you that there was a light in you so bright to not let it fade. I wish I could have told you that I believed in you, and that your time was coming, and not to give up. I hope you knew that you were loved by many, and are still loved deeply, and tremendously. I hope you know that you will be missed.

Most of all, I hope you are at peace DeMarco.

Rest In Paradise.

A Beautiful Catastrophe

I am volatile, unpredictable and changing.
I am broken, beautifully disastrous.
I am maddness, sanity.
I am hell, and paradise.

There is a riot inside of me, a chaotic uproar.
There are horrors in my heart that cannot be contained.
Flames ignite, as I burn violently.
And I will destroy you in the most beautiful way possible.

It is so much safer not to feel.
But I desire the things which will destroy me in the end.
You see, it is both a blessing, and a curse
to be too much, and not enough.

                      kkm

The trouble with this dance

You came into my life rather unexpectedly. I wasn't looking to meet you. I was perfectly fine just doing me. But then you had to come waltzing in like some aficionado of sorts, with your demeanor - calm, cool, collected; who danced over and whisked me away. You caught me off guard. And I was lost from the beginning.

Now here we are in this undecided tango with unplanned, discombobulated steps. The trouble with accepting your hand for this dance is I'm already lost in the moment and I don't know if it's real or if it's nothing but. Maybe we'll dance to remember. Maybe we'll dance to forget. Maybe this dance is just our bodies tangled in a moment of weakness, human desire - a need for something, a longing for more; the start of something new. Maybe we're not supposed to know what comes next. Maybe reality is the pleasure will be gone as quickly as it came.

The trouble with this dance is I'm clumsy. I can try to perfect the steps but I will always be off a beat. Sometimes I'm self conscious with my stumbles, shaken and uncertain. Even in confidence my strides are translucent, deceptively seductive to mask the chaos that precedes. This is why I dance to forget.

Because if I dance to remember, all of these beautiful moments that happened at the right time, in the right place, with the right person won't be a figment of my imagination anymore. And if I start to believe in something extraordinary, I'm only going to want to dance away the night. And I'm terribly sorry, but I just can't break another leg.