Take a Step Around the Room: An Open Letter of Defeat and Realization

Yesterday was a bad day for me. Those days still happen. They're not as frequent as they used to be. But they still happen.

Yesterday, I felt defeated. I had a moment of weakness. I have those you know, now and then. I know I shouldn't. But I do. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. I've been told countless times that even though I am allowed to have moments of defeat, moments of weakness, I shouldn't let it eat me up. But I do. All it does is hurt me though, I only continue to hurt myself. Silly me, thinking there might still be a shred of you left in the cold-hearted stranger you've become. I continue to try and see the good in you, but only end up hurt myself.

Silence is often a kick to in the teeth. That's exactly what it was. But, silence is also a step too. A step closer to, as a friend of mine said, to the "fuck it, fuck this, fuck that, and fuck you" stage. And that's exactly what it was as well. The next step.

I've been standing at that door for quite some time now. I'm not sure why I have't walked through yet. I've been knocking, but I haven't been able to open the door. Maybe because throughout everything, I want to believe that the person today still has some good in him left. I want to believe that the person I once loved, and quite honestly, still love today, even though you've given me every reason not to, still might exist somewhere beneath the cold-hearted stranger you are today. But I'm not sure that person is there anymore. Every day that goes by continues to prove to me that that person no longer exists. Maybe he never did. Maybe I was just a fool to believe that person I thought you were was the real you. They say your true colors show after it's all said and done. Maybe this was the real you all along, and I was just too blind to see it. Silly me.


Yesterday was a bad day. But today, today was a good day. Those days happen, and they happen more frequently now. Days like today, remind me that eventually, everything will be just fine. Silly me for ever thinking otherwise.