I never thought I'd be writing in this about you. At least not in this manner.
It's been just over a month now. Almost a month and a half to be exact. That Tuesday night after the Tiger's game was when you told me you weren't sure if you wanted to be with me anymore. That you were going to go to your house that night, and I might want to consider cancelling Mackinac that weekend. That night, you went home, and while you told me you weren't sure what you wanted, I knew at that moment that it was going to be the end to you and me.
The next day went by painfully agonizing. I hadn't talked to you all night. Normally, I would send you a text to let you know I got home safe, as would you - but neither of us did that. We were supposed to talk later that day, and you weren't sure if you were going to be working late or not. I suggested going to your house and waiting for you, which you profusely refused numerous times. I couldn't object, since the night before out of anger and confusion I gave you your key back.
So I waited. I waited until you were finished, and that's when one of the longest walks of my life occurred. You suggested walking around downtown, something we had done a couple times before, however, none of them ever ended as this last one did. Thinking about that walk brings tears to my eyes, because it rushes all of those tragic emotions back that I felt that evening. Nothing had changed you told me. You still felt the same way. You still didn't want to be with me anymore.
I remember sitting down on the bench, in front of work, thinking to myself, 'is this what our relationship has come to? How did we get here? How did we go from talking about a future together, to this?' There are some days when I still ask myself that question, but unlike that day it doesn't burn as large of a hole as it used to. It still hurts, but the pain is more of a dull pain instead of a sharp, stabbing pain.
I begged you to stay with me before you left. I have never begged somebody to stay in my life. But I wanted you to stay so bad, that I begged. We sat in my car, and in between sobs and tears, I tried to take your hand, but you yelled at me and drew away. You said there was no easy way to do this, that you never meant to break my heart, but you didn't want to be with me anymore. I can still feel the sting to your words today. I still feel how much that broke me that day. Later that night when I got my belongings from your house, you went on further to tell me that you didn't love me the way I loved you, and that you no longer saw the same future I did. You no longer saw a long term with me. Those words broke me even more, into smaller shards of glass. I couldn't understand how we had gone from talking about eventually moving in together, what size house was too big, if any, for us, you telling me how great of a wife I would be one day and just how "Kaylan Bittner" sounded, to where we were that night in your kitchen - you stood in front of me emotionless as I continued to break into pieces, and all you could say to me was you were sorry. Things got too hard for you, and you walked away. You gave up that night, and left me a horrible, broken mess.
The next few days were the worst. That night, I went home, and cried myself to sleep. I called into work. To be honest, I don't think I moved from my bed much over the four days that followed. I've been broken up with before, but none to this caliber. I had never actually been broken like you managed to do. That takes a lot for me to admit because I am a strong woman. I don't normally admit to the fact that I allowed somebody to break me. But the truth is, you blindsided me with the break up. For you to tell me that you'd been thinking about it for a couple months, that you had been unhappy - I was blindsided. You never spoke a word to me, never seriously, about your unhappiness. You never could communicate with me, and that's one of the reasons we would argue. I always tried to get you to tell me how you were feeling, but for you, you were more concerned with if we were okay in the moment, and never dug deeper to actually resolve our issues. You can only do so much when your other half won't talk to you when you need them to.
The reasons you gave me, the reasons you no longer saw a future for us, I understand completely. I will be the first person to admit that I am not perfect - in fact, I am far from it. I have plenty of cracks from my past relationships and my past in general that have made me put guards up and overthink many situations. But when you came into my life, somehow you were able to make me put down those guards, and I let you in. However, no relationship is perfect, and as you and I both know from the beginning, mistakes were made. You said one of the reasons you didn't see a future with me was because I was insecure in trusting you - and yes, you were right. Many of our arguments stemmed from the mistake you made in the very beginning of our relationship. I know you think that because we weren't "official" yet, it was okay for you to be sending that picture of your "almost ex" to her because she asked. But it never was okay, and it never will be okay, for you to behave like that. That is so childish and immature it's beyond ridiculous. Place yourself in the shoes of the other person, the person who you've been dating for a couple months. That behavior is never going to be okay. You knew it too. I know you claim you didn't know at the time where you and I would go,that you didn't realize how much I meant to you at that time, and that you had a hard time letting go of the "almost relationship" you had had with her - but it still does not excuse the wrong you made. You knew one of the biggest things for me was trust, because I had opened up to you about my own ex, who had cheated on me multiple times. You knew how much trust meant to me, yet you still did what you did. Maybe I was silly to think that I could ever move past that, when you continued to lie to me about the smallest things throughout the course of our relationship. But, I always see the good in people, and no matter how many mistakes you continued to make I still believed in you. I believed you could change for the better. I saw the good person you were and I forgave you for all of the wrongs. Ironically. when it came down to the end, you couldn't see the good in me, and unlike me, you didn't believe in me, or us, and you walked away.
I am not saying that I never did anything wrong while we were together. I made mistakes too. Could I have showed you that even though I was insecure of trust, I actually did trust you? Yes, I should have. But instead, I allowed my fear to overwhelm me. I should have showed you that I trusted you, and I am sorry I didn't show you that. That is a lesson I have learned throughout all of this. I need to put my past behind me, and show that I trust the other person. Could I have controlled my anger? Yes, I could have. I will be the first to admit that I often jump to conclusions, and I shouldn't do that. I will also admit that when I am upset, I am lethal with my words, and I often say things I don't mean. That is not okay, and I know that. But when you're in the heat of the moment, and you are upset, those things happen. It never helped that you lacked in communicating with me, and would often omit tiny details. I never understood why you did that. You would hide things from me, silly things, because you knew I wouldn't like them. But in doing so, by hiding those things, you made it worse, because not only did you hide them, but you lied. People are often not going to like every decision that you make, but it is so much better to tell the truth and to be honest with them, than hide and lie about it. I hope you learn that much from being with me. I hope you learn that you cannot always make everybody happy, and sit on the fence about a decision. In the real world, you can't make everybody happy. That's just how it is.
We both made mistakes while we were together. No relationship is perfect. I'm not sure you realize that though, I feel like you think that people don't argue, that people don't fight, have disagreements, but every relationship does. Toward the end, we argued a lot. It always came back to what happened in the beginning. Often, it would start as something else, but the underlying truth was it came down to trust. In retrospect, I wish we would have sat down and had a real conversation about trust. I know we talked about it, but I don't think either one of us took it seriously enough. I know I sure as hell tried to, and at times I think you tried to communicate with me, but it was more often I was talking to a brick wall than the real you. I told you this the day you broke up with me, and in the letters I wrote you - that if I could take anything back, it would be that I didn't show you that I trusted you, because I did. I'm sorry I didn't show you that because I should have. I shouldn't have let my fear consume me. And just like you, by sending that picture, by lying about the strip club, and every lie concerning the wedding and her, I shouldn't have called my ex that day we went golfing and decided drinking a fifth of Ciroc Red Berry between the two of us was a good idea. I shouldn't have been allowed to go downtown that night because I was a drunken mess at Bookie's, I shouldn't have gotten mad at you later that night at my house. That night is a complete blur, but I know that I shouldn't have done what I did. Like I said, I am not perfect, and I admit to my wrongs. That night was an outlier moment of mine, but looking back, I think that was a lot of anger and confusion built up, and I just exploded. I'm sorry for that because that is not me, and I know you know that.
I want you to know that you are not a bad person. Even though you ended it in a poor manner, and you are still treating me like a piece of garbage, you need to know that you are a good person. The guy I fell in love with was everything I wanted. One of my friends told me that I talked about you like you were a god, and quite honestly, I did. I poured my heart into our relationship, into loving you, and even with my mistakes I still gave my all to you. I loved you with everything I had, and I cared about you with everything I had. Maybe that's why when you hurt me in the beginning, and when you continued to hide things from me, I reacted as I did. I often said some harsh things to you that I probably shouldn't have, but when you love somebody that intensely, you hurt just as intensely.
I want you to know that I do not have any regrets from being with you. You taught me that I could love, and be loved again, and for that, I thank you. I was tattered and torn from past relationships when I met you, and you showed me that even with all my broken pieces and scars that I could be loved. The only thing I regret is that you didn't allow us to grow into what we could have been. I know when you broke up with me, you only saw the bad things. I said this before and I'll say it again, the good that we had together outweighed the bad. From everything we have in common, to all of our great memories together, the good we had was far better than the bad, especially since the issues we had could have been fixed had you not thrown in the towel.
I've had many people tell me their opinion on the break up. Some say it was the timing, that we both wanted a relationship, but weren't ready. That had we met after the wedding, or I never found out what you had done, or you never did it in the first place, things would have been different. Some think you might realize the mistake you made eventually. Some say you never loved me to begin with. The bottom line is I may never know why you broke up with me, but at the end of the day I need to move on. I need to see this as a learning experience, and know that I deserve to be given the best. I'm not saying you didn't do that because you have been the best boyfriend I'd ever had. But that guy, that was the guy I fell in love with. He's not the person you are today. I'm not sure I even know who you are today, because the person you are today is cold. The person you are today is heartless. The person you are today treats me like I am garbage. The person you are today treats me like I am nothing. The person I fell in love with would never do what the person you are today is doing to me. I think that's what hurts the most - knowing everything we were, and what we could have become, to being absolutely nothing today. I have never deleted somebody that I have loved and cared so much about from my life, but with you, in order for me to become myself again, I need to. That makes me sad because the way you're treating me not only means you are losing an amazing woman as a lover, but also an amazing woman as a best friend, and I never wanted that for us. I never wanted us to end like we have. But that speaks to how much you've hurt me by your actions. I wish you the best, honestly, and I hope you learn from the relationship we had, but most of all, I hope you grow up because you have a lot of learning to do. I used to feel sorry for myself, but I no longer feel that way. I feel sorry for you, because you gave up on an amazing woman. You gave up on a woman that would have given everything for you. You gave up on a woman that loved you with everything she had. You gave up on a woman that put you before herself. You gave up on a woman that would always be there for you, no matter the circumstance. You really let go of a once in a lifetime woman. For that, I feel sorry for you.
There is somebody out there that knows my worth, and that I deserve the best. I wanted that to be you. I really did. I wanted us to create that future we used to talk about every so often. But you didn't, and as much as it pains me to say it, one day, somebody else will.
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