Welcome to my Quarter Life Crisis

I've spent the last hour or so perusing Thought Catalog and I can't help but laugh hysterically and feel the need to share this little gem I just read in a little diddy titled: "100 Men Answer 'What Is One Thing A Woman Should NEVER Do In Bed?'"According to Mark, the one thing a woman should never do is:

Mark, 28

Pee the bed because she’s drunk.

Um, what the hell kind of woman did you pick up Mark to where your bang out session involved her peeing the bed?! I mean come on here, I may have been drunk a time or two but I've never peed the bed while I was getting it on. Seriously, wtf. Mark, that girl was a bad choice that night.

Proper introductions are needed, aren't they? Sorry about that folks. My name is Kaylan, but you'll often hear me referred to the plethora of nicknames I've been given over the years derived from my last name. The most recent one is Mats. (P.S. That's me telling you not to be surprised if I start referring to myself with seemingly random names, just an fyi). Lately, I've decided to embrace my quarter life crisis (qlc from here on out) to the fullest. I am not ashamed of this. In fact, I love it. I'm having the time of my life right now. Be jealous. The interweb gives qlcs and #twentysomething's a rough time (for why, I've not the slightest clue... okay, that was a lie, but seriously, gimme a break, don't judge me monkey) and I'm here to squander the roughness and enlighten the world wide web of the amazingness that is my qlc.

Allow me to introduce you to some facts of my qlc:

1. A few months ago I was broken up with (yes, I know, I still can't muster the thought that I was the one broken up with and it wasn't the other way around). I'd been in the relationship going on five years, and while I can't deny the reasoning behind the break up, I think my ex did a piss poor job of handling the situation. Said break up started via text, then escalated to a phone call, and after a failed negotiation of discussing his decision in person, ended.

At first I was hysterical. Five years just shit on me and were currently being flushed down the toilet. I might have shed a tear, maybe even sobbed like a baby for a brief moment. Don't judge me, I was having a weak moment. Then I was enraged. Who is he to break up with me?! Fuck that noise. Fuck him and his stupid face. I'm going to continue to drop f-bombs and shake my fists in the air while I seethe hatred and curse your life and hope you die a horrible death. By the time I got home from work, I had a somber atmosphere to me, and was somewhat loathing in my own self pity. Maybe I should have seen it coming? It's not like I didn't see it coming myself, it was the elephant that had recently moved into the fucking room and took over our relationship. Shit, maybe I even deserved it. At this point I had in my hands a bottle of white wine (no clue what kind, all I know it had a funny name and that's why I bought it from Trader Joe's in the first place) and was sitting on the tree stump outside of the garage door soaking up my self pity. Then finally, when my little sister rolled up and I broke the news to her, is when I came to the enlightenment that everything was going to be alright and this was the start of a new journey for me. When my ex and I had started dating, I had just turned 21 years old and five years later, at 26 years old I realized much of my twenties had been squandered by our relationship. Not that dating him was a bad thing, but the normal stupid things a #twentysomething does I was never privy to because of said relationship.

Hence why I am now arriving fashionably late to the qlc party, and embracing the fuck out of it.

2. I'm not one of those #twentysomethings that are unemployed or doing the whole unpaid internship gig. I actually have a pretty decent job, working for a pretty big company, and I'm doing a damn good job at it - except I'm stuck and I hate it. For fucks sake, I've got two degrees and am currently pursuing my MPA. Motherfucker, 11 months cannot come soon enough.

3. Matsumoto motto, because it's not that I don't want to get to know you, it's just I don't have time for it, and a girl's got needs. I'll elaborate more on that with time. And no, you cannot judge me monkey.

4. I'm determined to get me some abs and tone my arms. No more flibbity flab on the under arms and love handles around the mid section. If I'm gonna rock the hell out of this qlc, you better bet I'm gonna look hott as fuck doing it. Swoll Patrol sahn... wait for it... BOOM! Side note: I'm not entirely positive why being a toned, sexy motherfucker is a fact of my qlc, but considering it's been in high gear lately, I feel it deserved to get a shout out.

5. Bitch, don't kill my vibe.