I didn't know love #itbrokeme #ibrokedown

I have this really bad habit of overanalyzing situations. I've been told by my cubes at work that it's because I'm a gemini and that's what we do - overthink things yet still act on impulse, both which are not good given the right circumstance. Lately, I would say I've been acting more on impulse given my  recently single status, deeming for each year taken (or some would say wasted) is another adventure to take advantage of. Thus sprouted the "Matsumoto Motto," something my younger sister took the liberty of enlightening me of in lieu of my statement that I am "dangerous when I am single."

With that in mind, I've come to find being single is a whole new world to me, especially considering it's been about a good five years since I've been in the game last. Granted it's not that I can't play the game, don't get me wrong, but I find that it's definitely not like it used to be last time I was single. I read this article a while back, (see http://elitedaily.com/dating/sex/why-chivalry-is-dead-from-a-mans-perspective/) about why chivalry is dead, from a man's perspective and it basically boiled down to the fact that women nowadays just go with it and don't expect anything more, essentially adhering to the bare minimum that has become the norm of today. Dating is something of the past, because all we care about today is hooking up, getting a drink, and getting down. And like the article says, it's not that I'm a Debbie downer when it comes to the scenario of a late night text about stopping over for a fun romp, but at the end of the day, beneath all my smack talk, this girl might actually want somebody to take her on a date, and heaven forbid maybe even somebody to cuddle (holy crap, I can't believe I just said that). 

What's especially interesting is I've fallen prey to the norm that's mentioned in the article, and I've been trying to figure out how, and I think I've boiled it down to the mere fact that at first, I wanted to just have some fun. Being newly single, why should I have to care about dating? I just wasted five years that only ended up in heartache, so why can't I have a little fun? Just give me your number and if I think you're hott and we hit it off, I might contemplating texting you later on. And this scenerio works out well and great for a while, until you meet somebody and start hanging out with them more than once. And this is where you make your fatal mistake because now you're walking a fine line between pretending not to care and trying hard to dodge a bullet of feelings. 

I've thrown up a wall with the smack talk I've thrown around so I've been maneuvering under this facade of not giving a fuck when really deep down I really am just an old fashioned girl who's got this mission to be taken on a date to ice skate at Campus Martius. So now, I'm kinda cornered, and the only options I really see are 1) admit to actually liking somebody and the smack talk is just that, talk or 2) stop it before it gets any worse, and walking away. Option #2 is by far the easier of the two because if I elected option #1 this means I have to actually go through with not only admitting to myself that I might like somebody, but also finding a way to tell the person, and while things might go well received, I'm one who tends to see worse case scenarios, and I don't play well when I don't get what I want. Rejection really doesn't suit me well. But at the same measure, if you do just walk away, you'll never know. I'm also one who let's 'what-ifs' bother the shit out of me, so never knowing would likely drive me nuts. Also, to be quite honest, I'm not positive I'm even ready to admit that I let my feelings best me, and actually admit that I let myself like somebody. Bottom line is either way I'm screwed.

And for the record, yes, I am hearing you yell at me to "not fuck this up" cubes. 

Sigh. Why did feelings have to go and mess things all up? 

Oh what a tangled web we weave.

Side Note: This entire post was me overanalyzing the situation.